Chuckles of the day

[Drill for life]

I was told this joke by my recruiter, it's funny.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year .

Feel free to post any joke (no nasty jokes or mean jokes).

[Drill for life]

Cokes and Shoes

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Heres another one.

[Drill for life]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buyin g one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

Heres another one.

[StormCrow]

Great thread, Guys,

I've needed a good laugh since I have been depressed for the last week or so. Kudos for effort, and Aces wild for the jokes. Bravo

Storm

[C/ZOOMIE]

Originally Posted by Drill for life

Cokes and Shoes

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Heres another one.

Owned..........

Whats the difference between a liberal politicians car and an elephant? On the elephant, the A** Hole is on the outside............

[Drill for life]

You're very welcome StormCrow. Laughter is the best medicine and the best therapy, it's better than any drug. Here's another joke.

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two clowns back at the shop after chow".

[Drill for life]

A friend of mine who is a police officer told me this joke it's hystarical.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[Drill for life]

Here's one from a Marine (two-time Iraq veteran).

Three Marines were on leave in Mexico. While they were there they decided to look for a resort to do some bungee jumping. They went to this small town just ten miles from their hotel. There was had a huge cliff over looking the town. There people could bungee jump over it. They got to the top of the cliff. Paid their money, and got suited up. They looked around at eachother and said, "Ok? Who's first?" The youngest of the three spoke up. "I'll go first!" They hooked him up to the bungee cord and he jumped off over the cliff. The other two watched patiently for him to bounce back up. When he did, they saw that he was bleeding. He went back down and came back up, and he was screaming for help! The others grabbed the cord and pulled him back up to the cliff's edge. When they had secured him they asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I don't know, but what the hell's a pinata."

This is my favorite.

[C/ZOOMIE]

Originally Posted by Drill for life

A friend of mine who is a police officer told me this joke it's hystarical.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Lol, I'm a LE Explorer but still..........OWNED.............

[Startingover]

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern A** Whuppin’

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners.

01) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a**

02) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a**

03) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's a** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a** kicking.

04) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.G. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a**.

05) We have plenty of business sense (e.G., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.G . John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her a**.

06) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a**.

07) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your a**.

08) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a**.

09) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a** kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your a** on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your a**.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick y our a** all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a** just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a**.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a** shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... Minus your a**