One for our British Allies

[JohnP]

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... Full ahead to Las Vegas, Hardy."

[RogueNavy]

An American sailor on liberty nin London is riding the local commuter train. Since the car is packed, he and several other people are standing. He notices a veddy proper English matron sitting beside her tiny little dog. Not seeing the sense in a dog taking up a full seat a human could use, he approaches the woman. "Excuse me, Ma'am", says the Sailor, "But there's an older lady standing here while your pet takes up a seat. Would you kindly consider moving the dog to your lap, so the lady can sit down?"

The woman glares at him, and says, "Of all the impudence, young man! Your typical American arrogance truly knows no bounds! Of course I won't move little Muffy so that YOU can take that seat!"
Irritated, but not yet moved beyond reason, the Sailor persists. "Ma'am, the lady over there is quite elderly. She's carrying so many shopping bags, she can't hold on to the hand strap. I assure you, I have no intention of taking her seat. Please, allow her to be seated. It would be much safer for her."

Mortally offended, the woman berates him; "Young man, I do not appreciate this harassment! I have told you once that I will not sacrifice Muffy's seat for you, yet you persist! You Americans are boorish in the extreme, and to use a Lady, an English lady, as an excuse to steal a seat, is rude beyond comprehension. Do not address me again, or I shall be forced to notify a Constable!"

The Sailor has now endured enough abuse. Without a word, he smiles at the well-dressed woman, seizes her mutt, and heaves it out the closest open window. Before the owner can respond, the Sailor escorts the older woman to the now-vacant seat. The pet owner begins to shriek at the Sailor, threatening him with arrest. Just as she's about to hit her stride, the gratified older woman clears her throat, catching everyone's attention. In the silence, she makes a but single comment:

"I say, young man, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"