Chuckles of the day

[Drill for life]

I was told this joke by my recruiter, it's funny.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year .

Feel free to post any joke (no nasty jokes or mean jokes).

[Drill for life]

Cokes and Shoes

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Heres another one.

[Drill for life]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buyin g one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

Heres another one.

[StormCrow]

Great thread, Guys,

I've needed a good laugh since I have been depressed for the last week or so. Kudos for effort, and Aces wild for the jokes. Bravo

Storm

[C/ZOOMIE]

Cokes and Shoes

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

Heres another one.


Owned..........

Whats the difference between a liberal politicians car and an elephant? On the elephant, the A** Hole is on the outside............

[Drill for life]

You're very welcome StormCrow. Laughter is the best medicine and the best therapy, it's better than any drug. Here's another joke.

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two clowns back at the shop after chow".

[Drill for life]

A friend of mine who is a police officer told me this joke it's hystarical.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[Drill for life]

Here's one from a Marine (two-time Iraq veteran).

Three Marines were on leave in Mexico. While they were there they decided to look for a resort to do some bungee jumping. They went to this small town just ten miles from their hotel. There was had a huge cliff over looking the town. There people could bungee jump over it. They got to the top of the cliff. Paid their money, and got suited up. They looked around at eachother and said, "Ok? Who's first?" The youngest of the three spoke up. "I'll go first!" They hooked him up to the bungee cord and he jumped off over the cliff. The other two watched patiently for him to bounce back up. When he did, they saw that he was bleeding. He went back down and came back up, and he was screaming for help! The others grabbed the cord and pulled him back up to the cliff's edge. When they had secured him they asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I don't know, but what the hell's a pinata."

This is my favorite.

[C/ZOOMIE]

A friend of mine who is a police officer told me this joke it's hystarical.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Lol, I'm a LE Explorer but still..........OWNED.............

[Startingover]

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern A** Whuppin’

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners.

01) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a**

02) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a**

03) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's a** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a** kicking.

04) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.G. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a**.

05) We have plenty of business sense (e.G., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.G . John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her a**.

06) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a**.

07) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your a**.

08) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a**.

09) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a** kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your a** on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your a**.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick y our a** all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a** just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a**.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a** shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... Minus your a**

[Drill for life]

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern A** Whuppin’

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners.

01) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a**

02) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a**

03) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's a** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a** kicking.

04) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.G. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your a**.

05) We have plenty of business sense (e.G., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.G . John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her a**.

06) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a**.

07) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your a**.

08) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a**.

09) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a** kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your a** on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your a**.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick y our a** all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a** just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a**.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a** shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... Minus your a**

Tell'em. I hate it when I go to Chicago and I order a Coke and the waiteress has this look on her face like what. My cousins have to order a Pop,what the heck is that.

Army vs. Marine Bathroom tales.

There are two Military NCO's using the bathroom at the Airport. One is Army and hte other one is a Marine. So they use the urinals and they finish at the same time. So they go to the sink, the Army NCO washes his hands while the Marine blows his nose. They start to walk out and the Army NCO ask the Marine"Why didn't you wash your hands" the Marine reply's with a Straight face"The Marines taught us not to Piss on our Fingers"

No offense, my recruiter told me this joke at Waffle House. I was laughing so hard the cook wanted to call the Cops. THat is going to be an interesting Story at Parris Island.

[flyBoy2010]

My SASI told our class this one the other day:

A marine, on leave for collage, is sitting in a science class. The professor announces: "I will disprove the existence of God right here, right now. I will stand on this podium and he has 1 hour to knock me off." Time passes and the class is still sitting there waiting. The professor looks down at his watch, "time's running out, looks like I was right." In the back of the classroom, the marine gets up, walks to the front and shove the professor off the podium. The professor yells "What did you do that for!?" The marine replies "God was busy, he sent the Marines."

[Armed Drill Addict]

That's awesome I like that one alot.

[C.A.P. Flight Officer]

An old lady at church was about to doze off when she heard the preacher say, "whoever puts the most money inn the offering plate gets to pick three hyms". The old lady writes a check for one thousand dollars and puts it inn the offering plate and waits for the preachers reply. The preacher looks through the offering plate and finds the check, "who put this one thousand dollar check inn the offering plate"? The old lady stands up and says, "I did". The preacer waves his hand for her to come up and pick three hyms. When the old lady gets to the stage, she turns around and points out into the congrigation and says, "I want him, him, and him". :D

[Drill for life]

My SASI told our class this one the other day:

A marine, on leave for collage, is sitting in a science class. The professor announces: "I will disprove the existence of God right here, right now. I will stand on this podium and he has 1 hour to knock me off." Time passes and the class is still sitting there waiting. The professor looks down at his watch, "time's running out, looks like I was right." In the back of the classroom, the marine gets up, walks to the front and shove the professor off the podium. The professor yells "What did you do that for!?" The marine replies "God was busy, he sent the Marines."

That is true. I love that one. I'm going to tell my AI that he'll get prettty mad at me. He doesn't like the Marine Corps.

[Armed Drill Addict]

That is true. I love that one. I'm going to tell my AI that he'll get prettty mad at me. He doesn't like the Marine Corps.

That's funny my AI in my old school was the same way, I used to call cadence with the inflection that the Marines use and got angry at me.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I got this from Specialoperations.com.

The 15 SAS rules to OPSEC.


I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.

III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.

IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.

V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.

VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.

VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.

IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.

X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.

XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.

XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.

XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.

XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.


And my personal favorite (kind of long):

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

[Drill for life]

Hahaha that is very funny. I didn't like the Marine Force Recon(has beeen changed to MARSOC), I hope to be 0321, I did like the MP though and the Ranger joke. Loved it.

[flyBoy2010]

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!:D
I can't say there was one I liked more than the others, I liked them all!

[El Supremo]

My favorite ones were the Special Forces, JAG, and Intelligence Officer.

I'm suprised there was nothing on Pathfinders though...:dontgetit:

[armysc_25b]

My favorite ones were the Special Forces, JAG, and Intelligence Officer.

I'm suprised there was nothing on Pathfinders though...:dontgetit:
I've seen a longer version of the Snake Model out on the net somewhere, I just can't remember where. I remember it having a Pathfinder line in it.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Here's a longer one:

The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"

Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where the tank and the snake is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.

Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".

Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.

Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.

Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.

Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.

Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.

Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.

Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."

War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Aww, I could've sworn that our resident Signal Specialist would come in and comment on it...

[armysc_25b]

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Well, maybe if the snake's COMSEC Custodian would get them the proper fill to ensure they could communicate with us, and maybe if the snake had a high-speed Signal Specialist to assist it, the snake would not have these kinds of problems in the future.

Happy now?

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Sorry for the pushing Specialist.

[armysc_25b]

Sorry for the pushing Specialist.
It's all in good fun, now, more "chuckles"!

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Yes Specialist.

Here's another one from Specialoperations.com:



Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".
Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet.
Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".
When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command.
Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.
Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64.
When your family gets together, you call them "Slice Elements".
You butter your toast with a bayonet.
If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20.
Your personal license plate says "At Ease".
All of your kids' names begin with "AR".
Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles.
Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.
Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first.
Your kids are hand receipt holders.
Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.
Your dog's name is "Ranger".
Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.
Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander.
Your kids sound off with "Airborne" or "Air Assault" every time their left foot hits the ground.
Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number.
Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.
When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.
Your kids call their teachers "REMFs" and the other kids at school "legs."
Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms.
Your daughter complained that her new Barbie's hair wasn't within regulation and then cut it.
If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15.
Your kids salute their grandparents.
Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
All your meals at home are MREs.
Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them.
All your household possessions were issued by CIF.
Your kids get sent to the "big house" at Leavenworth if they're disrespectful.
Your kids complain if they can't have gym class five days a week.
Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table




Recently I was given a list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."




Three U.S. soldiers were on a special ops mission deep in the jungles of South America. The three man team consisted of one Marine, one Navy SEAL, and one Army Ranger. The team was on patrol and was captured by a band of headhunters. The headhunters took the team back to the village to stand trial for trespassing on sacred grounds.
The three men were tied up and placed in the middle of the village to be questioned by the chief headhunter. The first to be questioned was the Marine.
"You have been found guilty of trespassing and will be executed. We will use your skin for canoes, your bones for weapons, and your meat to feed our people. Do you have any last requests?" the chief asked.
"Yeah," the Marine replied. " I want my rucksack".
"Your rucksack?" the chief replied.
"Yes, my rucksack."
The chief gave the Marine the rucksack. The Marine opened it and pulled out a .45 pistol. He then shot himself in the head
"We can still use his body," the chief said. He then turned to the SEAL and asked if he had any last requests.
"Yeah. Give me my dog tag chain," the SEAL said.
When the chief handed him the chain, the SEAL opened a locket on the chain, took out a cyanide pill and swallowed it. Within 30 seconds he was dead.
"That's alright," the chief said. "We can still use his body."
He then turned to the Ranger and asked him if he had any last request.
"Give me my mess kit," replied the Ranger.
"Your mess kit?" the chief asked, thinking that this was an odd final request.
"Yeah, jackass. My mess kit," said the Ranger.
When the chief handed the Ranger the mess kit, the Ranger opened it and took out his fork.
"Look here chief," the Ranger said, " you might be able to use my bones to make weapons for your people. You might be able to use my meat to feed your people. But," the Ranger said as he began stabbing himself all over his own chest, " to Hell with your damn canoes!"


And last but not least:



An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

[armysc_25b]

A couple good ones from AKO:

Army Enlisted Ranks & Their Meanings (The clean version)

CSM (The last person, on Earth you want to upset. If you thought Top busted your chops... wait until the head-honcho calls you out. If the CSM knows who you are, you are either a royal mess-up, or one of the finest soldiers ever crafted... or, you're his driver.)

SGM (Like a unicorn, you will be hard-pressed to find one. If you see a SGM, chances are something is screwed up, and he's coming down to collect heads. Cares little for pleasantries... prefers it when everyone around him "cuts right to the chase". Not even LTC's will mess with his master plan)

1SG (The buck stops with this servicemember. The 1SG is the merciless god of the Company... screw with him, and you will suffer his wrath. Cracks jokes, in formation, and hates people who are late.)

MSG (Do not cross this NCO... he will make you wish you were never born. Perhaps the single most dangerous piece of equipment, in any military inventory. Should be considered a sensitive item, and signed for by an O4, or above.)

SFC ("Do as I say, not as I do" is the battle-cry of the Platoon Sergeant. 9 times out of 10, he is an excellent leader, with a wealth of knowledge and experience to share with those he deems worthy of receiving... but, he is usually world-weary, and ready to remind everyone of who really runs the show. Will play practical jokes on *everyone*)

SSG (A seasoned veteran of standard military jackassery. SSG's with healthy senses of humor are great to work for, until you anger them.)

SGT (One of two types... the Sergeant, and the E5. One is a true example to be looked up to... a man or woman who cares for their soldiers, and lives to see them succeed, while still realizing that he or she is only just beginning to learn. The other is a "stripe-wearer" who uses their rank to bully, browbeat, and lord-over those with less rank... or worse, doesn't give a crap about anything but his paycheck -the only reason he sought promotion, in the first place.)

CPL (Good enough to be an NCO in charge of a crappy detail, but still low enough to be a soldier *on* a crappy detail. CPL's are usually tortured souls that can't catch a break. God has a special place in Heaven, for these brave and longsuffering individuals.)

SOA (Specialist of the Army... that'd be me. And, you all know me.)

SPC (nobody gets away with more than this soldier does. SPC's are the most experienced of the lower ranks, and have usually figured out how to "sham", without getting in trouble. Known for their fierce loyalty to each other, they have developed a bond known as the "Spec-4 Mafia". Considered to be unofficial junior NCO's by some, and pains in the ass by others.)

PFC (the hardest worker in the Army, but not by choice. The most smartass ones are usually tapped by Senior SPC's, to be their next protege)

PV2 (already thinks he's a SPC, but still can't make PT formation, when he lives in the barracks)

PVT (fuzzy-square, or blank-collar... whine, gripes, and cries about everything)

Don't answer your cell like this...

-arabic accent- "Hello and thank you for your interest in Al Quada International Terrorist Networks. . Please select from the following menu, and please listen closely as the minu has changed. For up coming suicide bombings in your area press 1 now. For martyrdom career oppritunities press 2. Did you know AQITN now offers offers 401k, Bin Laden bill, and 100% heath coverage for new martyrs? For more info press 3.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Army Enlisted Ranks & Their Meanings (The clean version)

SGM (Like a unicorn, you will be hard-pressed to find one. If you see a SGM, chances are something is screwed up, and he's coming down to collect heads. Cares little for pleasantries... prefers it when everyone around him "cuts right to the chase". Not even LTC's will mess with his master plan)

1SG (The buck stops with this servicemember. The 1SG is the merciless god of the Company... screw with him, and you will suffer his wrath. Cracks jokes, in formation, and hates people who are late.)

MSG (Do not cross this NCO... he will make you wish you were never born. Perhaps the single most dangerous piece of equipment, in any military inventory. Should be considered a sensitive item, and signed for by an O4, or above.)

SFC ("Do as I say, not as I do" is the battle-cry of the Platoon Sergeant. 9 times out of 10, he is an excellent leader, with a wealth of knowledge and experience to share with those he deems worthy of receiving... but, he is usually world-weary, and ready to remind everyone of who really runs the show. Will play practical jokes on *everyone*)


You try living with one of these! :p Just playing.



SGT (One of two types... the Sergeant, and the E5. One is a true example to be looked up to... a man or woman who cares for their soldiers, and lives to see them succeed, while still realizing that he or she is only just beginning to learn. The other is a "stripe-wearer" who uses their rank to bully, browbeat, and lord-over those with less rank... or worse, doesn't give a crap about anything but his paycheck -the only reason he sought promotion, in the first place.)


I wonder which one our much beloved armysc_25B will become... I hope the first one.



CPL (Good enough to be an NCO in charge of a crappy detail, but still low enough to be a soldier *on* a crappy detail. CPL's are usually tortured souls that can't catch a break. God has a special place in Heaven, for these brave and longsuffering individuals.)


SOA (Specialist of the Army... that'd be me. And, you all know me.)

SPC (nobody gets away with more than this soldier does. SPC's are the most experienced of the lower ranks, and have usually figured out how to "sham", without getting in trouble. Known for their fierce loyalty to each other, they have developed a bond known as the "Spec-4 Mafia". Considered to be unofficial junior NCO's by some, and pains in the ass by others.)

The "Spec-4 Mafia"? :nervous:



Don't answer your cell like this...

-arabic accent- "Hello and thank you for your interest in Al Quada International Terrorist Networks. . Please select from the following menu, and please listen closely as the minu has changed. For up coming suicide bombings in your area press 1 now. For martyrdom career oppritunities press 2. Did you know AQITN now offers offers 401k, Bin Laden bill, and 100% heath coverage for new martyrs? For more info press 3.


I am definately making that my new answering machine...

[armysc_25b]

SGT (One of two types... the Sergeant, and the E5. One is a true example to be looked up to... a man or woman who cares for their soldiers, and lives to see them succeed, while still realizing that he or she is only just beginning to learn. The other is a "stripe-wearer" who uses their rank to bully, browbeat, and lord-over those with less rank... or worse, doesn't give a crap about anything but his paycheck -the only reason he sought promotion, in the first place.)

I wonder which one our much beloved armysc_25B will become... I hope the first one.

DO PUSHUPS! If the reason I wanted to get promoted was for the money, trust me I'd of gotten promoted a while back. I've been promotable since February, and most of that time I've just sat there and bided my time, taking in more and more knowledge and giving myself a chance to prove myself (which I've done), and once I felt confident in putting on those stripes I put forth the effort to do so. Unfortunate for me, HRC decided that they'd raise the cutoff score to a point that I was not able to get selected this time around. Oh well, just means I need to get a few more points and get picked up next month.

Just for reference, including where I'm at in the points range, there were 63 E4's who had as many, or more points than me (600 points or higher basically). 32 of us E4's got selected for SGT, so myself and the other 30 that were within 20 points of cutoff missed out this time around.

[Drill for life]

Quote:

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"



Love it. I should be offended but I'm not. That should show you all Don't mess with the United States Marine Corps. THey'll take your shoes.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I pulled this one from my friend:


The General:
Faster than a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a locomotive,
Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water, and
Talks with God


The Colonel:
Just as fast as a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water when it's calm, and
Talks with God on special occasions


The Lt Col:
Faster than a speeding BB,
Loses a tug-of-war with a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a running start,
Swims well, and
Listens at a distance to the voice of God.


The Major:
Can load a gun properly,
Plays with train sets,
Leaps over Quonset huts with a running start,
Can do the Dog Paddle, and
Sometimes pays attention to what the Lt. Col. says,


The Captain:
Is not issued ammunition for fear of self-inflicted injury,
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times,
Runs into buildings,
Can wade through water less than four feet deep, and
Pays no attention to what the Major says.


The Lieutenant:
Wets himself with a water pistol,
Says "Look at the Choo Choo,"
Trips over steps when entering buildings,and
Doesn't even notice when the Captain says something.


The NCO:
Catches bullets in his teeth and spits them out,
Kicks trains off the tracks,
Picks up buildings and walks underneath, and
Freezes water with a single glance,
He is GOD!

[Drill for life]

The NCO:
Catches bullets in his teeth and spits them out,
Kicks trains off the tracks,
Picks up buildings and walks underneath, and
Freezes water with a single glance,
He is GOD!

Love it. Where do you find these awesome jokes?

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

My friend, a good magician never reveals his secrets. ;)

Just look 'em up in google!

And here's another!



* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.



Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."


Q: What do bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, ...................yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December

Q: How many bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.

Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.

Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fire work show

Q: How do you clear a Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can


"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

[Drill for life]

Hahah....:D.... I hope the females on this forum don't take this the wrong way. Loved it.

[Armed Drill Addict]

Those are hilarious I love the ones about the airplanes and especially the Marine, but I really don't think he needed the chair.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

More jokes
1. 45 Reasons to Re-Enlist


1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.

11. There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting".

13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave.

13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only."

14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

15. Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's.

18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.

19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve.

20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

22. I hate good food.

23. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

24. I hate spending time with my family.

25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game of solitaire.

27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

28. What? You are going on leave?

29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

30. Is that local time or Zulu?

30. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.

31. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass

32. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and Officers.
34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

36. Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the rules of logic suspended.

37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up whether they need it or not?

39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

40. Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.

41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one."

42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the "MILITARY WAY"?

44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character.

45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?


2. Building an NCO


A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of s**t.
"Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant.

"I'm building an NCO," said the boy.

The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.

The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same.

The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO.

The boy replied "Because I don't have enough s**t to make an officer."

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

3. My Date with the D.I's daughter


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine



4. Military Evolution



The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.

The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy speciman, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy probably growing legs to operate on the land in the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.

The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.

The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apperently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknown if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.

There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

5. Joint Task Force

(No offense to any race, I just found this to be hilarious.)

here is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.

Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island.

When the troops hit the beach.........

•The Royal Marines go fishing.
•The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
•The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
•The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
•The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
•The Italians go sunbathing.
•The Germans land and build a car factory.
•The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
•The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
•The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
•The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
•The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
•The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
•The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
•The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
•The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
•The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
•The Spanish are late.
•The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
•Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
•The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
•The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
•The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
•The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
•The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
•The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
•The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
•The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
•The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
•The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
•The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
•The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
•The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
•The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
•The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
•The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
•The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
•The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
•The Kentuckians open a KFC.
•The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
•The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
•The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
•The Swedes just want to screw.
•The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
•The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
•Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
•The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
•The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
•H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
•The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
•The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
•Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
•The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
•Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
•George W. Bush doesn't know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii

[Drill for life]

Buffa1oso1di3r, you are the undisputed king of this thread,keep it coming. It makes my day a whole lot better.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Well, I'm going to run out of these one day...
I'll limit it to one a day :)

[Drill for life]

Sounds like a plan. Tell your Platoon Sergeant first and then your CO. they might want to proofread your post. Hahaha couldn't resist it.

[flyBoy2010]

This one doesn't have anything to do with the military, but it's still funny.

Women = money * time
Time = money
Money = √problems

Therefore:
Women = √problems2
Women = problems


And this one.

Objective: Buy a pair of pants.

Outcome:
Men
$20
30min

Women
$1245
5 hours

[flyBoy2010]

The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.

The Three Pilots

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

10 REASONS TO MARRY A FEMALE FIGHTER PILOT

10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs.

9. Arguments are a lot shorter because you both use acronyms to insult each other.

8. She insists on buying a stroller with a gold plated canopy and the baby's name and callsign stenciled on the side.

7. A conversation about boom vs probe-n-drogue refueling turns into a night of dirty talking.

6. Her occupation takes her from 0-600mph in 18 seconds.

5. She brings you souviners from deployments in the travel pod. Everything was frozen but its the thought that counts.

4. She looks gorgeous in an evening gown or in a flightsuit.

3. You would never be tempted to cheat because you know she can put a GBU-10 through the bedroom window.

2. If she ever shoots down an enemy jet, you can spend the next 10 years telling everyone you meet "That was my wife!"

And the number one reason to marry a female fighter pilot:

1. She followed you into the men's room at the bar

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Flyboy... those were hilarious.

Keep 'em comin' bro!

[flyBoy2010]

Thanks, but you have had the best ones so far.
You keep 'em coming' also

[flyBoy2010]

The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...

1. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
2. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
3. Me? I've never busted minimums.
4. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
5. We will be on time, maybe even early.
6. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
7. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
8. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
9. I'm a member of the mile high club.
10. I only need glasses for reading.
11. I broke out right at minimums.
12. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
13. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
14. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the T.O.
18. This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
19. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
25. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
26. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
27. I thought YOU took care of that.
28. I've got the field in sight.
29. I've got the traffic in sight.
30. Of course I know where we are.
31. I'm SURE the gear was down.

Language Barrier?

There are glaring language differences between the services that protect our nation. Here is an example:

* When the Navy secures a building, they turn out the lights and lock the hatches.
* When the Army secures a building, they post sentries and check I.D. cards.
* When the Marines secure a building, they call in air strikes and assault through the objective using fire and close combat.
* When the Air Force secures a building, they get a 4 year lease with the option for 4 more years.

TDY

An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."

A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".

A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"

The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"

An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"

[flyBoy2010]

McDonnell Douglas Corp. Warranty

Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately (McDonnell Douglas, now part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Col. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: .................................................. ....
Initial: ........
Last Name: .................................................. ....
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: .................................................. ....
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): .... /..../....

4. Serial Number: .................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Drill for life]

TDY


Quote:
An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."

A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".

A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"

The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"

An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"


Hahah that was hilarious. I got a funny Air Force joke my Aunt(who was in the Air Force)told me. Air Force, Citizens in uniform. Please don't take offense out there if you have served or are serving in the Air Force.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

When Bin Laden gets to Heaven

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee.

Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[Armed Drill Addict]

That's excellent. I love reading these jokes.

[El Supremo]

This is not really a joke but a life experience that my AI told me the other day.
*Flash Back*

El Supremo: First Sergeant, why do Georgia Southern University and Furman hate each other.

1SG: well, i'm not exactly sure...I thought at first it was football. But i think it has more to do with these two lieutenants I had back in my Company in Korea.

El Supremo: What two lieutenants, First Sergeant?

1SG: Well I had four 2nd lieutenants in my company back in the day. One from Georgia Southern, one from North Georgia, one from Furman, and one from Westpoint. The GSU guy, and Furman Guy, hated each others guts for some reason; I assumed it was a college rivalry thing.

El Supremo: okay?

*flash back in a flash back*

1SG: So I was pretty good friends with everyone one of'em except the Westpointer. The Furman guy one day was looking pretty down in the dumps the other day and I asked him why?

Furman: You know the 2nd Platoon leader?

1SG: yes?

Furman: Well my girlfriend broke up with me when we were on leave last month.

1SG: It happens.

Furman: It would be one thing if she were breaking up with me, but now she's F!@#$ng this GSU guy!

*GSU lieutenant proceeds to walk by my AI (First Sergeant) and the Furman Lieutenant, grinning from ear to ear and waving at the Furman lieutenant.*

(End of Flashbacks)

I laughed by butt off when i heard that story.

[armysc_25b]

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

That makes me think of Achmed the Dead Terrorist. He, as well as the other puppets, and Jeff, return to TV November 16th!

SILENCE! I KILL YOU!!!

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

El Supremo: That must've sucked for him!

[El Supremo]

El Supremo: That must've sucked for him!

lol, yeah it probably did. But I finnaly understand the GSU/Furman rivalry lol. I think the irony is, that you hear all the time about girlfriends leaving guys in the military, but never about another man in the armed forces, and certainly not within the same unit lol.

While i sympathize with the Furman guy, in the back of my mind, i'm going "WHOOOO!, GET IT GSU lieutenant"! lol.

[Drill for life]

Two Louies in a death match. Who will win, we don't know. A match for the ages.

[flyBoy2010]

Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?

There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"


Air Force/Navy Boat Race

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.



Tower Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."



The Baloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."




That's all for now, come back tomorrow for more.

[Drill for life]

Very funny. Why would anyone want to sleep in a bed with nice clean sheets when you can sleep on the ground with dirty,muddy MCCU's. I am kind of offended, Marines are not stupid they are just very apathetic. What would the Air Force do without the Marine Corps. My favorite Airman is a Ex-Marine.
http://www.afsoc.af.mil/shared/media/photodb/photos/060411-F-8757F-030.jpg
Ex-Marine(0321 and 8511)

[flyBoy2010]

Pilots' Hell

A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."


Rules of the Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

LOL. I loved the Crew Chief one!

Once upon a time the military had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The Inspector General's (IG) Office performed an inspection and gave the following write-up: "Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."

So, the military created positions for four MPs (Military Police) to guard the facility night and day.

The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up: "Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."

So, the military created a planning section, and staff it with two NCOs, one to write the instructions, and one to do time-studies.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."

The military responded by creating a Total Quality Management (TQM) section and staffed it with two NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.

The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."

So, the military created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC (Officer in Charge), a senior NCO as NCOIC (Noncommissioned Officer in Charge), and two enlisted administrative specialists.

The IG re-inspected, and concluded: "This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."

So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions


A Russian Private, a Cuban Private, an American Private and an American Colonel are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In the Russian Army, they give us the best vodka in the world. Nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...".

Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In the Cuban Military, we are given the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...".

Saying that, he throws the box of havanas out the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Colonel out...


A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.
A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.

One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."

[El Supremo]

Man I really loved the one about Corporal Peters, lmao!


The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

lol, I love these military jokes.

[El Supremo]

This is my favorite one:

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

El Supremo, those jokes were awesome. I've been looking for the Marine/Ranger one for a long time... the version I read was Rangers and a Pararescueman. :P

[Drill for life]

We all know a Marine NCO can kill the whole 3rd Ranger Battilion with his bare hands. I have read the one about Uncle Bob. I thought I already posted that one. Love it though.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I thought there were three Ranger battalions? ;)

[Drill for life]

My bad. Have you guys ever heard of a AJROTC instructor in Sixth region, His name is Sergeant Major Mitchell.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

No... why?

[El Supremo]

My bad. Have you guys ever heard of a AJROTC instructor in Sixth region, His name is Sergeant Major Mitchell.

Yeah i have! He was at the Sixth Brigade State Drill Meet this year, I think.

[El Supremo]

We all know a Marine NCO can kill the whole 3rd Ranger Battilion with his bare hands. I have read the one about Uncle Bob. I thought I already posted that one. Love it though.

Certain prospective Marines are sent to the Army's Ranger School.-The Military Channel

[Drill for life]

All Marine who apply and are accepted to be 0321(MARSOC) go to many schools,including Ranger school(I really want to be Marine MARSOC). P.M. me for a whole list.

[armysc_25b]

My bad. Have you guys ever heard of a AJROTC instructor in Sixth region, His name is Sergeant Major Mitchell.

There's probably several SGM Mitchell's in 6th BDE (not region anymore, that's just East & West). I know of one back in my hometown presently.

[flyBoy2010]

Those are great!:D
Here's a few more.


The Origin of Rank Insignia

The U.S. decided it needed to create insignia for officers to show their rank and to distinguish them from officers of other countries, so they put a committee together.

Second lieutenants, since they are the future of the military, are very valuable, decided the committee. They are also very malleable, so their insignia shall be a gold bar.

First lieutenants are also valuable, but not quite as malleable, so they will be designated by a silver bar.

A captain should be able to do twice the work of a lieutenant, therefore, they get two bars.

They further decided that colonels hold lofty positions of authority, like eagles soaring overhead, so that should be their insignia.

Generals, they reasoned, are even higher than colonels, so they should be designated by stars, which are higher in the sky than the birds. maj

Then the committee thought about what device to use for majors and lieutenant colonels. They thought and thought, but couldn't come up with anything. After long deliberation, the chaplain on the committee spoke up and said "Well, since Adam and Eve's day, we've always covered our unmentionables with leaves..."


Feed the Pilots

an appeal from Sally Struthers and the Feed the Pilots Foundation...

It's just not right. Thousands of Air Force pilots in our very own country are living at or just below the six-figure salary line. If that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several weeks or months without a bonus if they are forced to wait for Congress to pass needed legislation. Congress is just "sitting" on much-needed legislation to increase the pilot bonus (ACP) to $25,000 per year, and while we wait our pilots are going without any bonus payments at all!

But you can help! For $480 a week (that's less than the price of a 31" television set) you can help keep a pilot economically viable during his (or her) time of need. $480 a week may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a pilot it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, $480 may be nothing more than half a month's rent or mortgage payment, but to an Air Force pilot, $480 a week is their god-given right for the hardships of having to fly a sleek fighter or a mission-critical transport plane instead of some old commercial airliner between La Guardia and Atlanta.

$480 a week will enable a needy pilot to upgrade his or her home computer, buy that new high-definition TV set, trade in the 6-month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or simply enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

HOW WILL YOU KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Each month, you'll receive a complete financial statement report on the pilot you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks, bonds, and real estate holdings will be mailed directly to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow. You will also have information on how they choose to invest their salary when they eventually separate to take a commercial aviation job.

HOW WILL THEY KNOW YOU'RE HELPING?

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need more funds.

So won't you please help these pilots in their time of need by sending your donation of just $480 a week by check or credit card to:

Feed the Pilots
PO Box 9876
Washington, DC 12345

Thank you.


In the Personal Ads...

ENEMY WANTED

Mature North American Superpower seeks hostile partner for arms racing third world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiantly menacing to convince Congress of military financial requirements. Nuclear capablility is preferred, however non-nuclear candidates possessing significant biological/chemical warfare resources will be considered. Send note with pictures of Fleet, Air squadrons and Army to:

Chairman, Joint Cheifs of Staff
The Pentagon
Washington D.C.
United States of America

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

LOL.

Ever since Adam and Eve, we've covered up our unmentionables with leaves...

I am falling out of my chair right now!

[flyBoy2010]

I thought you all would like that one.:D

No offense meant to any Majors or Lt. Colonels out there.

[El Supremo]

I have found another one of the Ranger vs Marines jokes, but I cant post that one publicly, PM if you want to hear it. If your a Marines enthusiast you may not want to hear this one.

[C/ZOOMIE]

I thought you all would like that one.:D

No offense meant to any Majors or Lt. Colonels out there.

Everyone has to laugh at their selves once in a while! :D Besides, us C/2Lt's aren't that great either! :D

[flyBoy2010]

The Most Dangerous Things in the Air Force

1. An Airman saying "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2. A Sergeant saying "Trust me, sir..."
3. A 2nd Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience..."
4. A Colonel saying "I was just thinking..."
5. A Chief Master Sergeant saying "Watch this s**t..."


Life in Thule

A military transport carrying important supplies across "the pond" lands at Thule Air Station in Greenland for refueling. The flight engineer, while doing his walk-around check, notices that the station's crew chief, an A1C, is smoking a cigarette on the flight line while the "honey truck" empties the plane's commode.

"Airman! what the hell do you think you're doing? You're going to be in so much trouble when I'm through with you!"

Hearing this, the crew chief fell to the ground laughing

"What's so funny?" demanded the FE.

The airman replied, "I live on a glacier where it's winter 12 months out of the year, I make less than minimum wage, and I'm unloading s**t from an airplane. What do you think you can do to me?"


New Enlistment Oaths

U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend the stationary bike as a valid test of fitness.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

______________________________
Signature, Date


U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

_____________
Signature, Date


U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

_________________________
Signature, Date


U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

______________________________
Thumb Print, Date (Y/N)

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

LOL! That was hilarious!

President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in your armrest?"

"You'll see," says Saddam. After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing.

Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks.

"We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President.

Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement.

As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing ... really loud.

Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming. Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing.

Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue.

After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter.

Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad? .... what Baghdad?"

[Drill for life]

I have found another one of the Ranger vs Marines jokes, but I cant post that one publicly, PM if you want to hear it. If your a Marines enthusiast you may not want to hear this one.

:mad:.Hey you better not send it me:Really mad:. Im just joking, I have heard every Marine joke ever made, Please post ones you think I haven't heard.

[El Supremo]

:mad:.Hey you better not send it me:Really mad:. Im just joking, I have heard every Marine joke ever made, Please post ones you think I haven't heard.

I'm telling ya man you really wont like the one people have PM'ed me for.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I noticed that a joke hasn't been posted today.

Here are some:


As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.

[Drill for life]

I noticed that a joke hasn't been posted today.

Here are some:

Loved it, hahaha.

[flyBoy2010]

Homecoming

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month deployment in Saudi Arabia, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."

And the wife replies, "No. He's off in Saudi for six months."


Pentagon Translations

What Pentagon officials say - And what they really mean:

Essentially Complete
It's half done

Risk is high but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle...

Basic agreement has been reached:
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review:
7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it; nobody has a clue.

Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer: "Not well defined at this time...:

Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore

Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!

Results are promising:
Turned power on and no smoke detected - this time...


HOW TO OPERATE A HELICOPTER MECHANIC

A long, long time ago, back in the days of iron men and wooden rotor blades, a ritual began. It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.

New pilots are largely ignorant of the ritual because it's neither included in their training, nor handed down to them by older drivers. Older drivers feel that the pain of learning everything the hard way was so exquisite, that they shouldn't deny anyone the pleasure.

There are pilots who refuse to recognize it as a serious professional amenity, no matter how many times they perform it, and are driven to distraction by it. Some take it personally. They get red in the face, fume and boil, and do foolish dances. Some try to take it as a joke, but it's always dead serious. Most pilots find they can't change it, and so accept it and try to practice it with some grace.

The ritual is accomplished before any work is actually done on the aircraft. It has four parts, and goes something like this:
1. The pilot reports the problem. The mechanic says, There's nothing wrong with it."
2. The pilot repeats the complaint. The mechanic replies, "It's the gauge."
3. The pilot persists, plaintively. The mechanic Maintains, "They're all like that."
4.The pilot, heatedly now, explains the problem carefully, enunciating carefully. The mechanic states, "I can't fix it."

After the ritual has been played through in it's entirety, serious discussion begins, and the problem is usually solved forthwith.

Like most rituals, this one has it's roots in antiquity and a basis in experience and common sense. It started back when mechanics first learned to operate pilots, and still serves a number of purposes. It's most important function is that it is a good basic diagnostic technique. Causing the pilot to explain the symptoms of the problem several times in increasing detail not only saves troubleshooting time, but gives the mechanic insight into the pilot's knowledge of how the machine works, and his state of mind.

Every mechanic knows that if the if the last flight was performed at night or in bad weather, some of the problems reported are imagined, some exaggerated, and some are real. Likewise, a personal problem, especially romantic or financial, but including simple fatigue, affects a pilot's perception of every little rattle and thump. There are also chronic whiners complainers to be weeded out and dealt with. While performing the ritual, an unscrupulous mechanic can find out if the pilot can be easily intimidated. If the driver has an obvious personality disorder like prejudices, pet peeves, tender spots, or other manias, they will stick out like handles, with which he can be steered around.

There is a proper way to operate a mechanic as well. Don't confuse "operating" a mechanic with "putting one in his place." The worst and most often repeated mistake is to try to establish an "I'm the pilot and you're just the mechanic" hierarchy. Although a lot of mechanics can and do fly recreationally, they give a damn about doing it for a living. Their satisfaction comes from working on complex and expensive machinery. As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied, but merely tolerated, for until they actually train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly. The driver who tries to put a mech in his "place" is headed for a fall. Sooner or later, he'll try to crank with the blade tied down. After he has snatched the tailboom around to the cabin door and completely burnt out the engine, he'll see the mech there sporting a funny little smirk. Helicopter mechanics are indifferent to attempts at discipline or regimentation other than the discipline of their craft. It's accepted that a good mechanic's personality should contain unpredictable mixtures of irascibility and nonchalance, and should exhibit at least some bizarre behavior.

The basic operation of a mechanic involves four steps:
1. Clean an aircraft. Get out a hose or bucket, a broom, and some rags, and at some strange time of day, like early morning, or when you would normally take your afternoon nap) start cleaning that bird from top to bottom, inside and out. This is guaranteed to knock even the sourest old wrench off balance. He'll be suspicious, but he'll be attracted to this strange behavior like a passing motorist to a roadside accident. He may even join in to make sure you don't break anything. Before you know it , you'll be talking to each other about the aircraft while you're getting a more intimate knowledge of it. Maybe while you're mucking out the pilot's station, you'll see how rude it is to leave coffee cups, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, and other trash behind to be cleaned up.
2. Do a thorough pre-flight. Most mechanics are willing to admit to themselves that they might make a mistake, and since a lot of his work must be done at night or in a hurry, a good one likes to have his work checked. Of course he'd rather have another mech do the checking, but a driver is better than nothing. Although they cultivate a deadpan, don't-give-a-damn attitude, mechanics have nightmares about forgetting to torque a nut or leaving tools in inlets and drive shaft tunnels. A mech will let little gigs slide on a machine that is never pre-flighted, not because they won't be noticed, but because he figures the driver will overlook something big someday, and the whole thing will end up in a smoking pile of rubble anyway.
3. Don't abuse the machinery. Mechanics see drivers come and go, so you won't impress one in a thousand with what you can make the aircraft do. They all know she'll lift more than max gross, and will do a hammerhead with half roll. While the driver is confident that the blades and engine and massive frame members will take it, the mech knows that it's the seals and bearings and rivets deep in the guts of the machine that fail from abuse. In a driver mechanics aren't looking for fancy expensive clothes, flashy girlfriends, tricky maneuvers, and lots of juicy stories about Viet Nam. They're looking for one who'll fly the thing so that all the components make their full service life. They also know that high maintenance costs are a good excuse to keep salaries low.
4. Do a post-flight inspection. Nothing feels more deliciously dashing than to end the day by stepping down from the bird and walking off into the sunset while the blade slowly turns down. It's the stuff that beer commercials are made of. The trouble is, it leaves the pilot ignorant of how the aircraft has fared after a hard days work, and leaves the wrench doing a slow burn. The mechanic is an engineer, not a groom, and needs some fresh, first hand information on the aircraft's performance if he is to have it ready to go the next day. A little end-of-the-day conference also gives you one more chance to get him in the short ribs. Tell him the thing flew good. It's been known to make them faint dead away.

As you can see, operating a helicopter mechanic is simple, but it is not easy. What it boils down to is that if a pilot performs his pilot rituals religiously in no time at all he will find the mechanic operating smoothly. ( I have not attempted to explain how to make friends with a mechanic, for that is not known.) Helicopter pilots and mechanics have a strange relationship. It's a symbiotic partnership because one's job depends on the other, but it's an adversary situation too, since one's job is to provide the helicopter with loving care, and the other's is to provide wear and tear. Pilots will probably always regard mechanics as lazy, lecherous, intemperate swine who couldn't make it through flight school, and mechanics will always be convinced that pilots are petulant children with pathological ego problems, a big watch, and a little whatchamacallit. Both points of view are viciously slanderous, of course, and only partly true.

[flyBoy2010]

The General's Physical

The General goes to the flight surgeon for his physical exam. The surgeon says, "General, what kind of problems are you having?". The General says "None whatsoever".

Surgeon says "What about your sex life, when was the last time you had sex?"

The General says "1959".

The Surgeon says "Wow, that's a long time ago".

The General says "But it's only 0830."



Most of you are probably familiar with John Gillespie Magee Jr's famous poem. You may be less familiar with its FAA Supplement, or its counterpart for low-level flying...

High Flight

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;

During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth

Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things

Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
You have not dreamed of --

Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeled and soared and swung

Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.
High in the sunlit silence.

Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hov'ring there

"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung

Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue

Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,

Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;

Aircraft engine ingestion of, or imact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a diety.

Low Flight

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust,
a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown my aircraft low enough,
to make my bottom hurt.
I've TFO'd the deserts, hills, valleys
and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees,
where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along,
disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things,
that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow,
bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets,
simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness,
just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of
things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven,
as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched,
the master caution light.




The New Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."

[Drill for life]

Hahahah that was funny. Here is a interesting percent:
Only 35 Percent of people you see talking on the phone are reaally talking to somebody.
I have always that was very funny.

[flyBoy2010]

Here's some more:

The Barber

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.

"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says:

"No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says:

"No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep ... three more Air Force colonels.


Message from Starfleet

The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS: LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"



Customs & Courtesies

Airman Jones is at the maintenance duty desk when the phone rings: "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?" The voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection, and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-a** Johnson won't sign the release order."

"Airman? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, the D.O.!"

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good! Bye, Fat-A**!"

[El Supremo]

Here's some more:

The Barber




Message from Starfleet




Customs & Courtesies


Omg Flyboy the last one was the greatest, thanks man!

[flyBoy2010]

My pleasure! I love these jokes as much as you. I only read them for the first time just before I post them.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I loved those Flyboy!

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...




In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

[Drill for life]

You guys know you don't have to post Military jokes. Feel free to post any joke, as long as it's in good humor,not crude, and nothing racist,sexist and certainly no jokes making to much fun of one branch of the military. What happened to posting Marine jokes, I haven't seen any in a while:D.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Well Drill, you asked, and you have recieved:


Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ________________
Carter: ______________
Clinton: _____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help





Marine Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas
and all the the Corps
Not a sole had liberty,
the troops were all sore.

Yes, every Marine
every Marine in the lot
was lying on a rack of nails
called a Marine Corps Cot.

When out on the Parade Deck
I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my cot
to see what the hell was the matter.

With bayonet in hand
I moved stealthily to the door
I cautiously waited to see
if there were more.

Yes, it was the Commandant of Marines
this there was no doubt
he was wearing his poncho
green side out.

He carefully moved from rack to rack
he cautiously inspected each rifle and pack
to a chosen few a 96 chit
but to the majority a ration of s*it

As he pulled away in his gold plated tank
pulled by ten colonels all bucking for rank
I heard him say, and he said with a shout
Merry Christmas you suckers you'll never get out.


Note: No offense to any Marines, as I'm working on enlisting into the Marine Corps.

[Drill for life]

Hahaha, Some of those qustions on the Entrance exam where pretty hard.

[devin0116]

Couldnt answer number seven so I would just guess a number.

[Drill for life]

The answer is 12.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

It's ten...

God gave Moses 10 commandments... they made a movie... called The Ten Commandments... please tell me that you're kidding...


EDIT: They're kidding. I know it.

[El Supremo]

Alright i'm gonna give the Marines a break lol.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"


"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and p*** on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

POOF!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."

POOF!
God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

POOF!
God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Air Force guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Army guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Army guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Air Force guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Air Force guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Air Force guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Army guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

So an Airman, Seaman, Marine, and a Soldier where all at a bar drinking. They began arguing about which service branch was better and so much to the fact that they all got into a car drunk and still arguing. Well, being drunk and not paying attention to the road caused them to have a wreck and they all died. Next they arrived at the pearly gates of heaven still arguing and decided to ask St. Peter which branch was the best. St. Peter said: "I cannot answer that question, you'd have to ask the BIG MAN himself for an answer that complicated !" So ask the BIG MAN they did and finally one day they recieved a letter straight from GOD himself. It read: " My dear US military men, In response to your question, I would like to state that each branch of the military is special in its own way. They all have fought bravely for this great country that we love so dear. We should just appreciate them all and stop arguing. Hope this helps !

Signed,

GOD
US ARMY RANGER RETIRED !!!

[flyBoy2010]

I love jokes about all services and no service, buy I want to deplete my stock of Air Force Jokes first.


Air Force One

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. The panic stricken Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base

"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.


Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."


German Airfield

One World War II decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

LOL! I loved the one about Frankfurt!

The Old Army Days...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."


Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[devin0116]

It's ten...

God gave Moses 10 commandments... they made a movie... called The Ten Commandments... please tell me that you're kidding...


EDIT: They're kidding. I know it.

I honestly had no idea.......im not too good with this kind of stuff...

[Drill for life]

It's ten...

God gave Moses 10 commandments... they made a movie... called The Ten Commandments... please tell me that you're kidding...


EDIT: They're kidding. I know it.

I just wanted to see if somebody would corrrect me, yes I was kidding or maybe I just can't pass that exam.

[flyBoy2010]

UPT Stories


student pilot: "tower, Tweet 71, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Tweet 71, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Student pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."


A student pilot flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys transmit instead of intercom to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware: (broadcasting to world) "Sir, I'm all f****d up."

ATC responds, demanding: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

After a short pause, the IP gets on the radio: "He said he was f****d up; he didn't say he was stupid."


Helicopter Pilot: "Range control, I'm holding at 3000' over beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000' over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my copilot."



The Importance of Airspeed

A good ol' boy American AF reservist C-130 pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Control: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Control (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Control: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Control: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."


Ground Effect

An Iraqi flying a Mirage F1 came upon a US EF-111A Raven at low level, and pursued it. Now, the Mirage is a reasonably decent aircraft at low level, but the EF-111A is something else. It's an unarmed electronic warfare version of the F-111 Aardvark, and has terrain following radar, which enables it to fly at Mach 1 or more, 60 metres above the ground (that's about 0.4 seconds away from the ground), while the pilot watches the view. It's one of the fastest aircraft in the world at low level. Maybe this Iraqi didn't know anything about the F-111, but he decided that it looked like an easy target, and pursued it at very low level.

The EF-111 crew were credited with a kill when the Iraqi (not surprisingly) slammed into the ground. There can't be too many occasions when an unarmed aircraft scores a kill.

I found a couple more, but due to content can't post them. If you want to read them anyways just send me a PM.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Real life story, from me:

Yesterday was my Veterans Day Parade. During the long waiting cycle (we were 89th), we saw all the other schools in our region (Air Force and Navy mainly.)

One Navy school passes by, with a Cadet calling cadence. Nothing suprising there, right? His cadence was basic: "Left, left, left, right, left". However, he was off step. With himself. He was calling "left" on his right foot.

[devin0116]

The Navy is a smart lot eh? (just kidding)

[Drill for life]

I did that today during Flag Detail, I was and still am real tired today(I was up til four AM texting last night) so I woke up got ready and ran to school. I commanded Flag Detail today(like I do everyday, and I'm not the commander) so I got to the entrance after raising the flags and was calling cadence and a cadet told me I was on the wrong foot. Hahaha I just thought it was funny.

[flyBoy2010]

Bureaucracy in Action

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973:

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."


Ergo Test

Ways to make the Ergometry test (a stationary bike that replaced the 1.5 mile run) more fun:

1. Wear a bike helmet to the test. Optional: Include knee and elbow pads.
2. Demand the tester wear a reflective road guard vest "for safety."
3. Bring a bike horn and attach it. Each time the tester adjusts the tension, honk the horn loudly and yell, "Get the hell out of the way, you idiot!"
4. Bring a bike bell and attach it. Ring it once every 15 seconds - "Just to maintain your rhythm."
5. Attach streamers to the hand grips.
6. Bring a playing card to the test. Demand that it be inserted in the spokes.
7. Pop a wheelie. Optional: Do an axle grind on the nearest table. Optional: Bunny hop the bike.
8. At the beginning of the test, peddle while standing. Tell the tester,"I'm going uphill now, you fool."
9. Halfway through the test, stop peddling and lower your head between thehandle bars and stick your butt in the air. Explain to the tester, "I'm coasting downhill and about to take the lead in the Tour De France!!!"
10. Signal all turns.
11. Make motorcycle sounds. Be sure to shift gears when the tester changesthe tension.
12. Bring a sack of newspapers. Deliver them.
13. Periodically extend your legs and arms, yelling, "Look ma, no hands!"
14. Bring a friend to ride on the handle bars. Optional: Attach a kiddy seat to the back. Bring your kid.
15. Bring a bike lock. Be sure to secure the bike when you leave.



Air Force Dictionary

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and dumps stuff all over everything.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.

CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing Delta's pay scale while your commander is within earshot is serious CRM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the wing level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man changed my leave schedule for the fourth time this month."

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking the boss . . . he's 404, man."

GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.

40% REDUX RETIREMENT - The new retirement plan that will result in reduction of Air Force manning to 40% of wartime requirements.

AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The $16,308 a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.

[Drill for life]

Hahaha my SAI is the Seagull Colonel.

[C/Major]

A friend of mine who is a police officer told me this joke it's hystarical.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

HaHaHaHa That was funny joke, im telling that to my father. Thanks for the Laugh :beret:

[C/Major]

I did that today during Flag Detail, I was and still am real tired today(I was up til four AM texting last night) so I woke up got ready and ran to school. I commanded Flag Detail today(like I do everyday, and I'm not the commander) so I got to the entrance after raising the flags and was calling cadence and a cadet told me I was on the wrong foot. Hahaha I just thought it was funny.
Yeah I have done that to, haha :beret:

[Drill for life]

It sinks doesn't it whe a LET one C/PVT2 tells you that you are off step WITH YOUR OWN CADENCE!!!! I find that hilarious.

[C/Major]

It sinks doesn't it whe a LET one C/PVT2 tells you that you are off step WITH YOUR OWN CADENCE!!!! I find that hilarious.

It does, I guess its just one off those days, haha :beret:

[Drill for life]

Yep, it wasn't today it was Monday.

[C/Major]

Yep, it wasn't today it was Monday.

So not to far away huh? haha it happens to all of us, one way or another, so any more jokes? My father laughed at the one you told about the pig.:beret:

[Drill for life]

I got more of em Like this one:here it comes,:snickering: you guys are going to love this one.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an
unhappy customer.

My SAI got this E-mail from the DAI in a Distrct real close to ours.

[Drill for life]

Patent It!

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle!" replies the inventor.

"A fottle? That's a stupid name!" says the Patent Clerk. "Can't you
think of something else?"

"I'll think about it," says the inventor. "I've got something else
though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude," notes the clerk. "You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the
name of my folding bucket."

[Drill for life]

Ways to Annoy A Yankee

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time

[Drill for life]

These two go together.

A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.

She asks, "What's this for?"

"This is for your headache," he says.

She replies, "But I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"


Here's the other joke
HEADACHE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it
at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache."

__________________

[Drill for life]

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.

Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and my JD.

Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Heh... although I have a Northern Accent, I do most of that stuff (Ways to tick off a Yankee)... save for some of the obvious things... (I'm black, why would I hate the North?)

[Drill for life]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Drill for life]

KENNY AND THE FARMER


A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898.00."

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[Drill for life]

Things to ponder...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If it's a 50 mph wind, and you drive your car 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?

[C/Major]

Things to ponder...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If it's a 50 mph wind, and you drive your car 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?

Some of the questions are funny, but some make you wonder. hmmmmm:army:

[C/Major]

dude your funny. where you get your jokes from?:M249SAW:

[Drill for life]

From another forum I'm on.

[C/Major]

So I see, keep it up, the jokes are funny.

[TruBlu]

Friend showed me this today, pretty funny.

The Prayers of Officers
One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF!
God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF!
God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

[flyBoy2010]

Air Force First Sergeant Test

You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

1. Ask for her hand in marriage.
2. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
3. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

1. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
2. Ask him about his recent root canal.
3. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:

1. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
2. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
3. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:

1. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
2. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
3. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

1. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
2. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
3. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

You are at a dinner party with the colonel and his wife (she looks like the regional runner-up at the Kate Smith look alike contest). Halfway through the dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:

1. Accidentally spill hot coffee on your lap.
2. Slip the hostess a note to have the boss's wife help her in the kitchen, and see if the hand goes away when she leaves.
3. If it doesn't, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If he follows, don't come out until you have a maximum performance evaluation report.

You're on your way to brief the General when your zipper breaks and you discover you've forgotten to put on underwear that morning. You:

1. Call the General's secretary instead.
2. Explain to the General you've been trolling for gays.
3. Slip on a baggy raincoat and head for the dependent school playground.

It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but whores and football players live there. He explodes with, "My wife is from Atlanta!" You:

1. Ask what position she plays.
2. Ask if she's still working the streets.
3. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.

You're attending a briefing given by a Colonel. You feel a tremendous pressure building in your anal area which you diagnose as gas accumulation. Feeling confident you have the muscle tone required for a controlled venting operation, you allow the sphincter to slightly relax. As the hair curls on the nape of your neck, you realize your error in judgment as fifty cubic centimeters of diarrhea slam into your jockey shorts. Your next action is:

1. Moan loudly, grasp your chest, and fake a massive coronary.
2. Ask mindless questions concerning the subject being briefed, wait for someone to yell, "who gives a shit!" then raise you hand.

You feel the onset of a horrendous sneeze halfway through a briefing. Realizing you do not have a handkerchief, you elect to sneeze into the naked palm of your right hand. After muttering appropriate social amenity, you conduct visual inspection of the results of your action and discover your palm is encased in a pool of multi-viscosity goo. You elect to:

1. Open your uniform shirt and wipe the secretion on your T-shirt.
2. Pretend you are brushing a fly off the back of the person seated in front of you.
3. Spread the offending matter on your hair, then use a comb to work it in the larger pieces.


Lonely Fighter Pilot

An Air Force fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"

"11 Years," he answered. She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.

"11 Years." She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time you played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.

"11 years," the deprived pilot replied. The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"



Engine Trouble

While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"

The pilot confirmed that it was.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "I'm going to get help."

[C/Major]

Friend showed me this today, pretty funny.

lol that is messup but funny!

[armysc_25b]

After digging through my personal archives, I now present for your viewing pleasure the following. Most non-military, a political shot, "supportive" tech support, and the ever-so-popular blonde jokes. It's my selection so deal with it. :devil:

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin think so.

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in
2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to
see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno

Hello: Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

7 Degrees Of Blonde


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head .
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "


`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

[C/Major]

After digging through my personal archives, I now present for your viewing pleasure the following. Most non-military, a political shot, "supportive" tech support, and the ever-so-popular blonde jokes. It's my selection so deal with it. :devil:

lmao I love the 7 Degrees Of Blonde joke, i'm telling this to the battalion, if my SAI say its' ok.
This is a good day, all of you are funny :D

[TruBlu]

25B: Loved the tech support one! That's good stuff. Where did you come across that one?

[armysc_25b]

25B: Loved the tech support one! That's good stuff. Where did you come across that one?
Passed along in an e-mail from one of my old NCO's.

[Drill for life]

Hey you copied my jokes, and I don't like the one about Atlanta that's where I live, It's offensive. Haha I'm just joking. Keep em coming and stop copying my jokes!!

[Century0]

Well, my school district, we have a computer tech. And if he gets a request for repair that he doesn't believe is valid and is just user error, he leaves this note:

I'm sorry, but this is an ID-10T error and I will be unable to help you concerning this.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

LOL. Your technology guy is pretty smart... I wonder how many times that zoomed over people's heads...

[TruBlu]

Well, my school district, we have a computer tech. And if he gets a request for repair that he doesn't believe is valid and is just user error, he leaves this note:

I'm sorry, but this is an ID-10T error and I will be unable to help you concerning this.

LOL, I'm gonna start doing this when someone asks me for computer/network help. A phrase of this kind could get really annoying in my networking course next semester where I will actually be helping teach lower level students (4 courses, I'm in 4, I'll be helping with 1 and 2). But yeah, that's good stuff.

[flyBoy2010]

Crew Coordination

I can personally verify that this is a true story. An AWACS was on its way to Saudi Arabia, when the flight crew decided to have some fun with the mission crew commander (MCC), who had a reputation for being somewhat uptight.

First, the flight engineer (FE) called the MCC on intercom to say he had to check out a problem with the autopilot in the forward lower lobe. They went through the proper checklist, then the FE went back to the mission crew compartment, opened the hatch in the floor, and went down inside. Few people on the mission crew (but many more after this event) know that there's a second hatch to the forward lower lobe under the navigator's console. The FE went through the lobe and up through this hatch, back into the cockpit. After a few minutes, the FE gets on the intercom again:

"pilot, engineer, I'm not sure what I'm looking at here. Could you come down with the T.O. and help me out?" So the pilot also comes back and goes down the hatch, while the MCC watches, and sneaks up through the nav's hatch to retake his seat in the cockpit. A little while later, the pilot calls on intercom to the copilot:

"Co, could you help us out down here? I need you to reset the circuit breakers after we check each of the actuators." The copilot comes back to the mission compartment, and the MCC (who is starting to get a little nervous at this point) watches him disappear down the hatch after the pilot and FE. He also secretly emerges into the cockpit to join his co-conspirators. A few minutes later, the pilot starts porpoising the aircraft up and down. The navigator comes on the intercom:

"Pilot, nav, it looks like the autopilot has come uncoupled, I need you back up here." (no answer) "MCC, nav, what are those guys doing back there? This is getting pretty serious!" The MCC, in a panic, goes to the hatch and literally dives in. After minutes of frantic searching for the missing crew members, he finds the second hatch, opens it, and pops his head into the cockpit. He's bleeding from a cut on the forehead and fuming about the prank. After the flight crew get their laughter under control, they are able to more-or-less calm him down for the remainder of the flight.

When the MCC reports this to the detachment commander to get the flight crew in trouble, the Detco thinks it's one of the funniest stories he's heard, and tells the MCC to basically get a band-aid and relax.

This one's a little childish, but still funny.

Captain Bravado

There was a bomber pilot during WWII named Captain Bravado, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while flying over Germany, the tail gunner spotted two FW-190's approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado ordered his copilot to bring him his red shirt.

The copilot quickly got the red shirt to the captain, who put it on and turned toward the fighters to give his gunners a better field of fire. His crew shot down the enemy planes and went on to lead the formation on a successful bombing run.

That evening, all the men sat around the hangar recounting the earlier triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

The next day, they took off for a mission deeper into the heart of the Third Reich. Once over German territory, the top gunner spotted an entire squadron of German fighters above them, while the belly gunner saw another squadron below.

The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast horde arrayed against his craft, and without fear, turned and calmly said, "Get me my brown pants."


WWII Oddities

I haven't verified any of these, but some are pretty amusing...

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was LtGen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded in combat and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army’s 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler’s private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Not that bombers were helpless. A B-17 carried 4 tons of bombs and 1.5 tons of machine gun ammo. The US 8th Air Force shot down 6,098 fighter planes, 1 for every 12,700 shots fired.

6. Germany’s power grid was much more vulnerable than realized. One estimate is that if just 1% of the bombs dropped on German industry had instead been dropped on power plants German industry would have collapsed.

7. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

8. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. The tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, the tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

9. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

10. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn’t worth the effort.

11. A number of aircrewmen died of farts. (Ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

12. The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared minefields by marching over them). "It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin

13. The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

14. The German Air Force had 22 infantry divisions, 2 armor divisions, and 11 paratroop divisions. None of them were capable of airborne operations. The German Army had paratroops who WERE capable of airborne operations. Go figure.

15. When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore was 3 complete Coca Cola bottling plants.

16. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

17. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 18. The Graf Spee never sank. The scuttling attempt failed and the ship was bought as scrap by the British. On board was Germany’s newest radar system.

19. One of Japan’s methods of destroying tanks was to bury a very large artillery shell with only the nose exposed. When a tank came near enough a soldier would whack the shell with a hammer. "Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat."—LtGen. Mutaguchi

20. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been Japanese on the island.

21. The MISS ME was an unarmed Piper Cub. While spotting for US artillery her pilot saw a similar German plane doing the same thing. He dove on the German plane and he and his co-pilot fired their pistols damaging the German plane enough that it had to make a forced landing. Whereupon they landed and took the Germans prisoner. I don’t know where they put them since the MISS ME only had 2 seats.

22. Most members of the Waffen SS were not German.

23. The only nation that Germany declared war on was the USA.

24. During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officer’s mess. No enlisted men allowed you know.

25. Nuclear physicist Niels Bohr was rescued in the nick of time from German occupied Denmark. While Danish resistance fighters provided covering fire he ran out the back door of his home stopping momentarily to grab a beer bottle full of precious "Heavy Water." He finally reached England still clutching the bottle. Which contained beer. I suppose some German drank the Heavy Water.

[C/Major]

Crew Coordination



This one's a little childish, but still funny.

Captain Bravado




WWII Oddities

I found so of those quite interesting.

[Drill for life]

Hahah,that was funny.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

I hope you all remember the EP-3E ARIES II Aircraft that was slammed into by a Chinese Jet, crash landed at Hainan Island, and the Chinese blamed the US For it. Well, here's a parody:


BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just days after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a.m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising 7-UP soft drink, leaving the line "Up yours" in view.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet.

"I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight'," said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil. The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp "fully responsible for the incident," repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way," Suey was quoted as saying.

"The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant," he was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

U. S. officials expressed regret, but would not allow an apology until the matter could be investigated further.

Here's a funny one about a Sniper:

The General had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt.

He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The General yelled at a passing sergeant, "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?"

The sergeant looked down at the general and replied,"I guess not, General. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

[Drill for life]

Hahaha that is funny.

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

The Marine Corps and Media Bias:

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine." "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis wer! e dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?"

[Drill for life]

Hahaha that was funny, when I press quote I only get what you wrote not the joke. How do I use the quote button right?

[armysc_25b]

It doesn't let you quote that deep (meaning it'll only quote the post you are replying to/quoting). I just copy/paste and put quote tags around everything to make it work, but I'd suggest unless you're intending to have a chain of 5 or 6 quotes in 1 message to just use the board as is and reply with the quote feature as installed.

[flyBoy2010]

It's been a while so I thought I'd post some more funnies.

Generals' Meeting
There was a brief meeting of several Generals and an Admiral. The Air Force General said, "I think I have finally found a way to show you true guts. "Airman, come here!"

The airman trotted over and came to attention with a brisk, "Yes, sir?"

The Air force General said, "Airman, climb to the top of that flag pole".

"Yes, Sir", came the quick response and up the pole he went.

When the airman reached the top, the General told him to jump. The airman shouted, "Yes, Sir", and dropped to his death.

The General turned to his peers and said, "now that is guts."

The Army General did the same and the Admiral did too, with the same results as the Air Force poor airman. The Marine General told them they were all full of shit and called a Marine Private over. "Private, climb that flag pole!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" was the quick response and up the pole he went. The Marine General than told him to jump. The Marine Privates response was, "Sir, no, Sir!". The General than turned to his peers and said, "now that's guts."

NEVER ASK A GUNNY...

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."


The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...

You gotta love a man like this, Humor in the face of defeat.
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."


SGLI

Private Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Drill for life]

I loved it. I fall in love with the Marine Corps over and over and just can
t wait to earn the title of "U.S.Marine"

[C/Msgt.wraith]

Allright, I guess I'll join in on this little party.

A drill sgt. is laying into one of his privates for performing a drill movement incorrectly, and the sgt. says to the private, do i make you angry! Do you hate my guts! I bet you'd like to dance on my grave when I'm dead would'nt you? then the private without hesitating says, sir no sir! I swore that when I get out of the Marines I'd never wait in a long line again!

[devin0116]

Allright, I guess I'll join in on this little party.

A drill sgt. is laying into one of his privates for performing a drill movement incorrectly, and the sgt. says to the private, do i make you angry! Do you hate my guts! I bet you'd like to dance on my grave when I'm dead would'nt you? then the private without hesitating says, sir no sir! I swore that when I get out of the Marines I'd never wait in a long line again!

I remember seeing this, I think this one was posted previously.

[Drill for life]

That is a hilarious joke, It is one of my favorite jokes of all time. Hahahaha:D.

[armysc_25b]

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God ."
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places .
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival"
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays .
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have .
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to .
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same .
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend .

Well shoot, I guess this makes me a redneck!

[El Supremo]

I stole this one off of "Who's line is it anyway":

*Men are lined up standing at attention, while the Drill Instructor paces back and forth, a Lieutenant finnally asks what the DI what he was doing, the Drill Instructor finnally stops and says*
Lieutenant (Ryan Stiles): "Uh, Sergeant, what are you doing".
DI (Wayne Brady):"Well I'm just walking back and forth lookin at my privates for a minute."

[Drill for life]

Hahaha that is hilarious, I have heard it before though, I just cannot think of the Movie title.

[Drill for life]

and then the fight started

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: And then that's when the fight started



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.


And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



[My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....

[Drill for life]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ''William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Drill for life]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!


We were dressed and ready to go out to a Christmas Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cab driver hit a parked car...

[Drill for life]

And this is why parents drink!!!!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was surprised to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all the ear piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Drill for life]

GOD is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of
the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to
his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do
that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff
and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

This is my favorite joke ever.

[Drill for life]

Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room, the walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...'Go get your mother...'

[Drill for life]

Bran Muffins

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich,they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they were on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them both to Heaven.

They reach the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven, This will be your new home now."

The old man asked St Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing", St Peter replied, "Remember this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is Heaven," St Peter replied.
"You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man, "This is Heaven, it is all free to you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and decaffeinated tea," he asked.

"That's the best part,"St Peter replied, "you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, or sick."

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing for sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again."
"All you do here is enjoy yourself.."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins."

"We could've been here ten years ago!"

[C/ZOOMIE]

GOD is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of
the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to
his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do
that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff
and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

This is my favorite joke ever.

That has got to be the best joke I've ever had the pleasure of listening to...

Here's a joke:

Liberal Logical Thinking..

[armysc_25b]

Here's a joke:

Liberal Logical Thinking..

That's ALMOST as good as these:

- Microsoft Works
- Military Intelligence

http://www.ethanwiner.com/oxymoron.html - Oxymorons at their finest

[Drill for life]

You don't have any idea how hard I am lughing armysc_25b. That was great keep them coming, I'm not depressed anymore.

[C/ZOOMIE]

That's ALMOST as good as these:

- Microsoft Works
- Military Intelligence

http://www.ethanwiner.com/oxymoron.html - Oxymorons at their finest

LMFAO: "Bad Sex"....

[Buffa1oso1di3r]

Try these on for size!

"Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills the hundreds of people that go looking for it."

"Your role may be thankless, but if you give it your all, you may bring success to those who outlast you"

"Even the journey of a thousand miles ends very, very badly."

"Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being lost at sea forever"

"the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower"

"That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable"

"When birds fly in formation, they only need to exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork leads to collective laziness."

"A bunch of harmless flakes working together can cause a deadly avalanche."

"Life is wonderful, and death is peaceful. It's the transition that sucks."

[Drill for life]

"Life is wonderful, and death is peaceful. It's the transition that sucks."

That is money. Hahahaha

[Drill for life]

MEN'S SECRET LANGUAGES TRANSLATED

1. “I’M GOING FISHING”:
Translated: I’m going to drink myself stupid and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

2. “IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

3. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

4. “UH HUH, SURE, HONEY,” or, “YES, DEAR.”
Translated: (Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.)

5. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest.”

6. “I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST . . . I JUST HAVE LOTS OF
THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “Is that woman over there wearing a bra?”

7. “TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

8. “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

9. “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to “F-Troop,” the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but can’t remember your birthday.”

10. “I DUNNO . . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE
ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

11. “OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF; IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

12. “I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “. . . and I sure hope I think of some soon.”

13. “I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

14. “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

15. “I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I have no idea what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t find out.”

16. “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse.”

17. “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh God, please don’t try on MORE clothes.”

18. “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “We are hopelessly lost and no one will ever see us alive again.”


Hahaha I love this one.

[Drill for life]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call himOnestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................


OH, Come on...take a guess! Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...





You can't kill two birds with one stone
__________________

This next one its hilarious
http://skippyslist.com/list/

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says‘ Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[C.A.P. Flight Officer]

Shopping for Husbands
________________________

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.

The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!"

And, again, she goes up.
On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says:
Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!


(No offense to any women out there) :D

[C/ZOOMIE]

Marine: Wanna hear a joke?

Airman: Sure!

Marine: the U.S. Air Force XD

Airman: ...

[Sandbagger]

4 military guys are riding in a HMMWV between two FOBs in Iraq. A soldier, sailor, airman and a marine.

All of the sudden the HMMWV catches fire and is instantly deadlined. The four decide that they need to hoof it to the closest FOB from the wreck but because it is 140 degrees, they need to pack light.

The soldier says "I'll bring some MREs because I know I can't travel too far without some calories in me."

The airman says "I'll bring extra ammo because we never know if we'll get attacked on the way to safety."

The sailor says "It's really hot out there so I'll bring extra water so we can hydrate on the way."

Suddenly, everyone looks at the marine who is carrying one of the HMMWV doors that he pulled from the wreck.

-"I'll bring this door so if the heat gets too bad, I can always just roll down the window.";)

[cyclonecadet]

regarding the new husband store joke, I found a second part to this joke.

the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Now that's awesome. Just goes to show that men are not choosy