Humor for a brief respite

[JohnP]

The following is from the Winter 2009 edition of the Texas VFW Magazine:



How to tell the difference between the branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you are given the command "Secure the Building," here is what the different services would do:

- The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
- The ARMY would surround the building with defensive positions, tanks and concertina wire.
- The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
- The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

The five most dangerous things in the military.

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this..."

:D

[grunt0311]

Got a good laugh out of that one. Good find, good find

[PhilK]

The five most dangerous things in the military.

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this..."

:D

My O-6 came up with a new one:

6. A Major saying, "Roger Sir. I'm on it."

[Billyd]

My O-6 came up with a new one:

6. A Major saying, "Roger Sir. I'm on it."


Speaking from experience?

[PhilK]

Speaking from experience?

All I said after he said that was....


"Roger Sir. I'm on it."


No idea what he was talking about though... :)

[JohnP]

All I said after he said that was....


"Roger Sir. I'm on it."


No idea what he was talking about though... :)

Do you think we should start a thread of all the dangerous things we've heard during our time?

An example would be a jumpmaster checking the back of a parachute stating, "What the....I've never seen it done that way before... Oh heck with it, you'll be fine."

Or a C-130 pilot giving his brief about the 3.5 hour lowlevel followed by a night mass-tac and ending it with, "...but we'll give it the old college try."

:devil:

[PhilK]

In my office it is.

"eh...close enough."

We deal with surface danger zones for ranges. :M249SAW:

[Rabbit]

The scariest thing I've ever heard...

"I hope you didn't eat that"

[pingjocky]

"You sure there's no power going to this thing?"...right before I stuck my hands in the gear to do maintenance.

R/
Pingjocky

[Billyd]

"You sure there's no power going to this thing?"...right before I stuck my hands in the gear to do maintenance.

R/
Pingjocky

"Yep, pulled the breaker myself." Usually followed by a loud

ZAP

[armysc_25b]

We actually had an A1C in my shop last night, sent by his trainer, looking for an India Delta Ten Tango form. Unfortunately, we weren't quick witted enough to think of a way to keep things going, since it caught us off guard.

[JohnP]

We actually had an A1C in my shop last night, sent by his trainer, looking for an India Delta Ten Tango form. Unfortunately, we weren't quick witted enough to think of a way to keep things going, since it caught us off guard.

I have sent airman to the supply shop for 200 feet of flightline, cans of steam, and then to vehicle maintenance for spark plugs for the Hummer.

To keep them on their toes, make arrangements in advance with supply and motorpool for requisitions like the ID10T forms. This way you can keep the young airman running around base day and out of your shop.

[Billyd]

Being in COMM, our favorites were:

Can of sidetone
Tube of Frequency grease
A Fallopian tube for the O'scope (yep, even the female airmen got to play along)

Our best gag was when we told one airman that he needed a distemper shot because he was hot for a deployment and told him it was given by appointment only and to call the immunizations clinic. When he did, the tech there played along (unexpected bonus) and told him they were out and would need to call back in a week to check on the availability.

[pingjocky]

Submariners get to feed the shaft seals, and get dressed out to rig in the mail buoy. Of course getting the serial numbers off of the water slugs that the TMs just launched is always good for a chuckle.

R/
Pingjocky

[JohnP]

I just read this on a T-shirt at a local rodeo:

There is no I in TEAM;
But there is a U in SUCK.

[03_SHOOTER]

"Yep, pulled the breaker myself." Usually followed by a loud

ZAP

HEY, THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! But only because it really happened to me. :devil:

[Billyd]

HEY, THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! But only because it really happened to me. :devil:

Me as well.

[Machine]

I had the crew chief on a CH46 yell at me one day, "Watch that hydraulic leak. If it quits, let me know, cuz I'm jumping out of this pig before it crashes!"

[JohnP]

Wisdom From Aviation/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing…."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!”

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains; two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?” The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[PhilK]

Reading the one about the ship being a minesweeper reminds me of this rock drill I went to.

1ST Cav was doing a river crossing exercise at Ft. Hood. We were having a rock drill for the rock drill (which means we were ensuring everything was in order before the Generals showed up.).

During the rock drill the Engineer Officer (a CPT) was talking about the crossing procedures. They were going to float a couple M-1s across the river to set up far side security and then the rest of the Engineers were going to build the bridge.

A Colonel asks, "Captain, while the tank is crossing the river, will be able to fire."

There was about one beat and the CPT responded "Yes sir. Once."

The whole place erupted in laughter.

The rest of the brief was not as entertaining.

[grunt0311]

A little something for the younger generation
If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[JohnP]

Reading the one about the ship being a minesweeper reminds me of this rock drill I went to.

1ST Cav was doing a river crossing exercise at Ft. Hood. We were having a rock drill for the rock drill (which means we were ensuring everything was in order before the Generals showed up.).

During the rock drill the Engineer Officer (a CPT) was talking about the crossing procedures. They were going to float a couple M-1s across the river to set up far side security and then the rest of the Engineers were going to build the bridge.

A Colonel asks, "Captain, while the tank is crossing the river, will be able to fire."

There was about one beat and the CPT responded "Yes sir. Once."

The whole place erupted in laughter.

The rest of the brief was not as entertaining.

That's funny; I don't care who you are!

[Wolfy]

"Dude, this knife isn't sharp enough to go all the way through this webbing!"

[Armed Drill Addict]

That part about Patton at the end is hilarious.

[daves military display]

A friend of mine in the Air Guard (former Navy) had this one. He was sent to find an IBM card stretcher. Being smarter than the average bear, he disappeared for three days and when he got back the Petty Officer was really mad, “ where have you been” Well it took me awhile but I found it (something he put together) so he grabs a card puts it in and it rips, so he says “ this ones defective I’ll go get another”

[JohnP]

Time to Reevaluate United States involvement

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there? We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there? Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and they have sloppy leadership.

Why are we still there? Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there? The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.

Why are we still there? There are many hostile religious sects, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there? Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there? We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there? They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there? It is becoming VERY clear . . . WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA !

[DoubleHelix]

Why are we still there? It is becoming VERY clear . . . WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA !

Amen brother! On the chance that happens, we can make the Mojave desert (and my precious Antelope Valley, nicely attached to said Mojave) a part of Arizona or Nevada yeah?

When the "big one" hits, the AV will be nicely separated from Southern California (see Avenue S, Palmdale, California...built RIGHT ON the fault line), and we could erect a border somewhere north of Bakersfield :)

[HairyEyeball]

Ah, but imagine Yuma as oceanfront property, when it becomes academic: The building boom, expanding into a major port and naval station, eclipsing Phoenix as the State's largest city; the relocation of Disneyland without six hours on frustrating freeways; the sightseeing cruises to see the greasy floating island that was once Mikey Moore-on...

[Warsong]

I have sent airman to the supply shop for 200 feet of flightline, cans of steam, and then to vehicle maintenance for spark plugs for the Hummer.

To keep them on their toes, make arrangements in advance with supply and motorpool for requisitions like the ID10T forms. This way you can keep the young airman running around base day and out of your shop.

Hah! I've used metric screwdriver and keys to the aircraft. Another good one in Tech School was "you have to salute the aircraft because there's officers in them." It really worked.

When I first got to Alaska some smarty PFC runs up to me "Specialist, we need to get an exhaust sample from our HUMVEE." "Sure", I said, "but it'd be more fun to get one from an aircraft." Not my first rodeo, kid.

[armysc_25b]

Now that I think of it, we tricked one of our fresh from AIT PFC's into asking our Shop Foreman for a PRIC-E7. He became good friends with the floor shortly thereafter.

[JohnP]

I got this sent to me today, I'm not sure if it sould be posted in humor but it seems appropriate.

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan which you can call the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered- Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all members of Congress and their constituents pay their taxes...

[JohnP]

This is for our Ivan and his brothers:

It is called EOD Humor.

http://www.gruntsmilitary.com/board/picture.php?albumid=60&pictureid=409

[HairyEyeball]

Can you say 'justifiable homicide'?

[Woody]

Thankyou I now have a picture of one guy in the armour suit chasing the other to hit him with a shovel .Which is funny in itself as they find walking hard enough in those things .
I know I have a black sense of humour but that photo always makes me laugh.

[JohnP]

This one's for you, Hairy:

http://www.gruntsmilitary.com/board/picture.php?albumid=73&pictureid=412

[JohnP]

Military Snake Model:

Infantry: Ugh! Me See Snake. Me Like Snake. Ouch! Me No Like Snake.

Paratrooper: Kills the snake, adds it to body count next AAR.

Air Assault: Rigs snake for Air Mobile Operations

Armor: Runs over snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.

Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake; couldn’t find snake; Back to base for crew rest and a manicure.

Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake’s home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

U.S. Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes.

Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three Field Artillery battalions in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc)

SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

U.S. Navy: Wonders why anyone would have a snake on a boat.

Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

U.S. Marines: Ignores snake, proceeds to kill everything in sight.

Para rescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, and then feverishly works to save the snakes life.

TACP: Marks snake with smoke and lasers, calls in multiple airstrikes, thinks nothing of it and goes to find something else to destroy.

CCT: Watches video of TACP with snake; takes credit for actions and it awarded Bronze Star Medal.

Security Forces: Screams like little girls, throws guns into air and runs to hide in tent city.

U.S. Air Force: Makes contact plumber, watches plumber use metal snake to clean clog in club toilet.

Now this should just about offend everybody. If anyone was missed, please acknowledge and I'll find the author and have you added.:D

[03_SHOOTER]

Military Snake Model:

Security Forces: Screams like little girls, throws guns into air and runs to hide in tent city.

Now this should just about offend everybody. If anyone was missed, please acknowledge and I'll find the author and have you added.:D

Has my beloved Security Police really devolved to that point??? If you'll recall, we used to EAT the snakes!!

[JohnP]

Has my beloved Security Police really devolved to that point??? If you'll recall, we used to EAT the snakes!!

Please refer to the opening thread: Now this should just about offend everybody. If anyone was missed, please acknowledge and I'll find the author and have you added.

I'm hit in 3 of these. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you shouldn't laugh at other people.

[03_SHOOTER]

I'm hit in 3 of these. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you shouldn't laugh at other people.

Oh it's funny alright, I was just concerned about the "screaming like little girls" part. The only screaming I remember was done by a select few, and in a manly fashion while running for the Peacekeepers, and nobody dropped/threw their weapons. (it was funny then too. :D)

[JohnP]

Oh it's funny alright, I was just concerned about the "screaming like little girls" part. The only screaming I remember was done by a select few, and in a manly fashion while running for the Peacekeepers, and nobody dropped/threw their weapons. (it was funny then too. :D)

You wasn't laughing when the Peacekeeper shut on your knee! :nervous:

[armysc_25b]

Aww, that particular list seems to have excluded my favorite entry, the one concerning us commo type folks. So, for the entertainment of those of us serving in said field...

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

[JohnP]

Aww, that particular list seems to have excluded my favorite entry, the one concerning us commo type folks. So, for the entertainment of those of us serving in said field...

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

That is so funny, my staff is looking at my like I lost my mind for laughing so hard. :D

I'm adding it to my copy of the list.

[03_SHOOTER]

You wasn't laughing when the Peacekeeper shut on your knee! :nervous:

Nope, but I was busting ass getting out of it, not trying to get into it.

http://www.myemoticons.com/emoticons/images/msn/random/bandages.gif

[HairyEyeball]

And one for our intrepid junior birdmen:

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in
the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about
the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are
not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave. Even reindeers' asses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe, it's 0230, 40 degrees below zero and my job is to pump sh*t out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

[reddog]

I mistakenly thought that the pilots had some sort of switch and just unloaded this 'cargo' at 10,000 ft. Over the enemy, of course.
Easy Brother,
Reddog...

[wukong]

Speaking from experience?

Sounds like standard aviation terminology. :)

And one for our intrepid junior birdmen:

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight.

Any one who would service a "Honey Bucket" with a pump truck deserves to hump the elk.

[HairyEyeball]

From Wu:
Any one who would service a "Honey Bucket" with a pump truck deserves to hump the elk.

They do give aircraft some strange 'nicknames', but this is the first I've seen of the Herky-bird called a honey bucket. Was it in general use, or only applied to the one(s) you drove?

[wukong]

Hairy, a C-130 does not have a latrine holding tank. The Herk has a metal can with a flimsy toilet seat just to the rear of the left paratroop door. It is commonly referred to as a "Honey Bucket." This can is commonly lined with a plastic bag, a grab and go servicing procedure.

[03_SHOOTER]

The aircraft in the joke, as I originally heard it, was a C-141 with a "comfort pallet".

[Stabby]

Military Snake Model:

Now this should just about offend everybody. If anyone was missed, please acknowledge and I'll find the author and have you added.:D

Yep, the good old MI got left out.

IMINT is told to find the snake and give a backtrack of all the places it has been for the last 36 hours from Blackhawk fly-over imagery.

96R (GSR) is told to put sensors in all around the snakes home and possible ingress/egress points to better track the snake. Friggin' Romeo sneaks into snakes home, takes everything of value, decides it's not enough, goes to 2 Star's personal tent, takes cigars, auto-stabilizing binoculars, and doors from HMMWV. (Saw that one, really.)

97B (Counterintelligence) rides along with 11Bs, finds the snakes residence by asking other snakes where it is, screws up and directs 11Bs to wrong house. 11Bs decide they really are at the right house, even after the 97B tells them he screwed up. They take the wrong snake into custody. Meanwhile 97B takes a fireteam next door, to the correct house, finds snake, questions it, decides it has no intel value. 11Bs take entire neighborhood of snakes in to Detention Facility. (Did that.)

97E (Interrogator) is told by CW2 to question all the snakes. Questions two, falsifies reports of all others questioned. No snakes are assessed to have intel value and are released. Snakes then mortar nearest FOB and train other snakes how to resist interrogation (even though never interrogated).

96B (Intel Analyst) reads reports by 97B and 97E. Tells CW3 and O6 contents of reports with Powerpoint slides. 96B is given a Bronze Star for exceptional performance. (Saw that one too.)

[JohnP]

Yep, the good old MI got left out.

IMINT is told to find the snake and give a backtrack of all the places it has been for the last 36 hours from Blackhawk fly-over imagery.

96R (GSR) is told to put sensors in all around the snakes home and possible ingress/egress points to better track the snake. Friggin' Romeo sneaks into snakes home, takes everything of value, decides it's not enough, goes to 2 Star's personal tent, takes cigars, auto-stabilizing binoculars, and doors from HMMWV. (Saw that one, really.)

97B (Counterintelligence) rides along with 11Bs, finds the snakes residence by asking other snakes where it is, screws up and directs 11Bs to wrong house. 11Bs decide they really are at the right house, even after the 97B tells them he screwed up. They take the wrong snake into custody. Meanwhile 97B takes a fireteam next door, to the correct house, finds snake, questions it, decides it has no intel value. 11Bs take entire neighborhood of snakes in to Detention Facility. (Did that.)

97E (Interrogator) is told by CW2 to question all the snakes. Questions two, falsifies reports of all others questioned. No snakes are assessed to have intel value and are released. Snakes then mortar nearest FOB and train other snakes how to resist interrogation (even though never interrogated).

96B (Intel Analyst) reads reports by 97B and 97E. Tells CW3 and O6 contents of reports with Powerpoint slides. 96B is given a Bronze Star for exceptional performance. (Saw that one too.)

These will also get added to the list!:D

[JohnP]

http://www.gruntsmilitary.com/board/picture.php?albumid=73&pictureid=445

[DaveIn3D]

Got this from grandma...

Lexington Police Department reports finding an man's body in the Kentucky river just
west of the Clays Ferry Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released
until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was
wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an
Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his back side.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.

[JohnP]

Got this from grandma...

I like your Grandmother, she's funny.

http://www.gruntsmilitary.com/board/picture.php?albumid=73&pictureid=411

[03_SHOOTER]

I received this in an e-mail today.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. These are as good as they
get!!!

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were
very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered
for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,is a crime committed?]


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.

[03_SHOOTER]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the
party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!


Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it
in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.


Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.


Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[FeelinFroggy]

Recieved this joke in an e-mail this morning:

"It was said that America would elect a black President when pigs fly, after 100 days of Obama being in office......swine flu."

[-BuLL-]

Recieved this joke in an e-mail this morning:

"It was said that America would elect a black President when pigs fly, after 100 days of Obama being in office......swine flu."

I originally looked at this thread to post this, but you just beat me to it. I recieved mine in a text message.

[03_SHOOTER]

Don't know if this is true or not, but it's FUNNY!!!

Posted to Craig's List Personals

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? Oh, some of us Republican folk do have a CCW license.

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw your wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver’s side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky...

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... An armed society is a polite society...!

[JohnP]

Washington (AP) The Air Force unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Air Force representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.
"This helps keep troops at the ready,” said one Air Force Official. "If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work."



http://www.gruntsmilitary.com/board/picture.php?albumid=97&pictureid=547

[SlightlyCatholic]

I've always gotten a good laugh from this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5onkl2EHV4

This one's pretty good, too....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY&feature=related

[JohnP]

While having a cup of coffee this morning with a group of local Texas ranchers, the topic got around to Obama and him becoming President.

An old rancher said, 'Well, y’all know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, I asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on my face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there in the first place.'

I spit the coffee across the room. :p

[AFCadetSteel]

While having a cup of coffee this morning with a group of local Texas ranchers, the topic got around to Obama and him becoming President.

An old rancher said, 'Well, y’all know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, I asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on my face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there in the first place.'

I spit the coffee across the room. :p

Haha the "post turtle" story has been used for almost every public official in office.
Works perfectly with Obama though, if I can say so myself.